COVID-19 traced to moldy plastic model

Yesterday the World Health Organization (WHO) revised its conclusions to the origins of COVID-19. The source wasn’t a wet market in Wuhan, China as previously reported. Rather, it was this moldy plastic model sold at a model contest in New Jersey last year.

“This totally took us by surprise,” said Jacob Schumacher, senior epidemiologist at the WHO. “We were alerted to the possibility of an alternate origin of the virus when a scale modeler told us that he and nearly all of the members of his model club came down with Coronavirus symptoms.”

“That club member was very helpful after he realized the mistake he'd made in purchasing the model,” Schumacher said. “He's an international hero, even if he admits to pre-shading and using Future, which I'm told are crimes in his weird community of enthusiasts.”

That modeler, who asked to be identified only as Carl N., told investigators that he thought the model might be problematic when the mold on it got worse over time. “The model was pretty funky when I bought it, but after six months the green mold had turned black and spread to other kits in my stash.”

When asked why he would be stupid enough to buy a model in such condition, Carl said, “I really wanted the model. The vendor hadn't put a price tag on it, so I had to ask -- which I really hate. He offered it to me for $35, which he said was 5 percent off the regular price. How could I say no?”

WHO researchers spoke with the vendor who sold the model to Carl and asked why he would sell anyone such crap. “Look, a lot of these old models come from damp basements and garages,” the vendor said, who asked not to be identified. “There’s bound to be a little bit of weird shit on some of them. Modelers are real men. Carl and his buddies will be fine.”

The vendor told Scale Model Soup, “Please let everyone know that I just picked up a new collection of kits that have been stored in a pig barn in Pennsylvania that I’ll be selling at contests later this year.”

WHO researchers confiscated Carl's model for analysis at a Berlin laboratory.

“I hope to get the model back eventually,” Carl said. “Yes, I have 475 other models in my stash, but I might want to build it one day? Or I'll save it as a collector's item.”